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The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt Paperback – September 13, 2011

by Russ Harris (Author), Steven Hayes PhD (Foreword)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,355 ratings
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Based in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and mindfulness practices, this self-help guide offers breakthrough insights and simple techniques for managing anxiety and developing long-lasting confidence.

The author of The Happiness Trap offers “an exciting alternative to the usual approach of so many self-help books,” demonstrating “the simple and effective methods of ACT” (David Richo, PhD, author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships).

Too many of us miss out on opportunities in life because we lack self-confidence. Whether it’s public speaking, taking on a leadership role, or asking someone for a date, there are situations in which we just don't feel equipped to handle the challenges we face. 

Russ Harris offers a surprising solution to low self-confidence, shyness, and insecurity: Rather than trying to “get over” our fears, he says, the secret is to form a new and wiser relationship with them. Paradoxically, it’s only when we stop struggling against our fearfulness that we begin to find lasting freedom from it. 

Drawing on the techniques of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a cutting-edge form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, The Confidence Gap explains how to:  

• Free yourself from common misconceptions about what confidence is and how to build it 
• Transform your relationship with fear and anxiety 
• Clarify your core values and use them as your inspiration and motivation 
• Use mindfulness to effectively handle negative thoughts and feelings.
 
“This book could save you years of psychological struggle, yank you out of negative emotional patterns, and help propel you to a much happier, more productive life.”
—Martha Beck, author and Oprah Winfrey’s life coach
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    272 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Trumpeter
  4. Publication date
    September 13, 2011
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.77 x 8.98 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    9781590309230
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1590309230
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“This book could save you years of psychological struggle, yank you out of negative emotional patterns, and help propel you to a much happier, more productive life.”
—Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star

“An exciting alternative to the usual approach of so many self-help books. Harris explains how we can work with ourselves as we are, rather than aggressively trying to alter ourselves. I’m impressed by the simple and effective methods of ACT.”
—David Richo, PhD, author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships

“One of the most hopeful (and helpful) messages we can take away from this book is this: we can learn to do the things that matter, even when our minds say it’s not possible.”
—Spirituality & Health

About the Author

Dr. Russ Harris is a physician, therapist, and speaker specializing in stress management. He travels nationally and internationally to train individuals and health professionals in the techniques of ACT. Born and educated in England, he now lives in Australia. For more information, visit actmindfully.com.au.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1590309235
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Trumpeter; 1st edition (September 13, 2011)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781590309230
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1590309230
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 14 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.77 x 8.98 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,355 ratings

About the author

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Russ Harris

Russ Harris

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Dr Russ Harris is world-renowned trainer in ACT, a therapist and a coach, with a background in medicine (as a general practitioner). He has run hundreds of workshops, providing training over fifty thousand health professionals around the world. He is the author of several bestselling ACT-based textbooks and self-help books. The Happiness Trap is an international bestseller, with over a million copies sold worldwide and editions published in over thirty languages.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
1,355 global ratings
Don't let a confidence gap hold you back
5 Stars
Don't let a confidence gap hold you back
A fantastic guide to improving self confidence. With useful exercises, realistic and practical knowledge, Dr. Harris normalizes low confidence, helping readers understand they are not alone when confidence drops. He clearly explains how a confidence gap occurs along with how to shrink the gap. Useful for both therapists and lay readers. The book also can serve as a touch-point for a therapist to educate and debrief concepts with a client, and provide guidance, follow up and reinforcement of the exercises. All in all, a great resource for my professional library!
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Top reviews from the United States

A. Auken
5.0 out of 5 stars Good book with practical advice
Reviewed in the United States on March 20, 2024
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Mr Harris book is fine. As always it is much more difficult to follow the advice than read it. I wish it had some more practical exercises and advice . And letting your thoughts pass by like cars sounds good but very often this can be dangerous especially if they suddenly drive you too much down. So the unhook thing sounds good but needs practice and hard work . Anyway, I will try using some of the advice .
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Barbara S. Reeves
5.0 out of 5 stars Must read for overcoming doubt and fear!
Reviewed in the United States on December 27, 2011
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Ah, just as I suspected: all that think-positive-Pollyanna-drivel is poppycock. According to Russ Harris, author of "The Confidence Gap", we evolved to think negatively. A hundred thousand years ago, if you weren't on constant vigil for dangers like lions, tigers, and bears in your environment, you didn't live very long, certainly not long enough to pass on your Pollyanna genes.

So thinking negatively is ingrained in us, and I'm happy to hear that because I sure was getting sick and tired of those Stuart Smalley daily affirmations.

"The Confidence Gap" is a guide to overcoming fear and self-doubt. As a recovering drug addict it's important, very important for me to learn how to deal with fear, because I always dealt with this problem with drugs and "liquid courage." That was my solution for overcoming low self-confidence, shyness, and insecurity.

Hellen Keller said that life is a daring adventure or nothing. If we're stifled by fear then our life will certainly be nothing. We'll stay stuck in our comfort zones as life passes us by. Harris lists four common reasons why we're afraid to leave our comfort zones:

1. Obstacles - our minds point out all the obstacles.
2. Self-judgements - our minds point out all our weaknesses.
3. Comparisons - our minds compare us to others who seem to be better than us.
4. Predictions - our minds predict failure.

Before I published my book, I thought it would be the greatest thing I'd ever accomplished, but as soon as it came out, I was attacked by self-judgements. I thought what I'd written was stupid, and of inferior quality, and I almost regretted doing it.

Even worse, I had to write for this website. Every time I wrote something and posted it, I would wake up in the middle of the night berating myself, "Stupid, stupid, stupid. I can't believe I wrote that." I wanted to give up. I discovered that I was "fusing" to these thoughts. That's all they were: thoughts. They were not based on fact, and if they were, so what?

Don't I have the right to say stupid things and make mistakes? So I continued to write and consider it all practice, because there's no way I'll ever get better if I don't continue to plug away. I "defused" from those negative thoughts. They still come up every time I write something, but now I can say, "There's that stupid, self-judging thought. Bye-bye stupid self-judging thought." So I was glad to read this quote from best-selling author Peter Carey in "The Confidence Gap": "Writing is being prepared to be stupid and make mistakes."

There's a lot more useful information in "The Confidence Gap" including Harris' golden rule for winning the confidence game: "The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later." There are nine more rules, so instead of listing them here, I'll recommend you buy the book and discover them yourself.

David Allan Reeves
Author of "Running Away From Me"
164 people found this helpful
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Sherlock Holmes
4.0 out of 5 stars Great perspective on dealing with fears
Reviewed in the United States on January 27, 2013
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I think that a lot of what is in this book could be summed up in just a few chapters, but the repetitive nature of the content helps to make it stick. The basic premise is that ACT doesn't go for all the happy talk and positive thinking and affirmations that so many are pushing on us, but rather it says we need to accept the fact that our minds are wired to be concerned about failing and address it appropriately. By appropriately I mean that according to the author we are to notice them, separate ourselves from them and don't give them power. The exercises are simple yet effective. There are some typos here and there leaving me to wonder about the quality of the editor/publisher. Overall, the message is a good one.
12 people found this helpful
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Arturo Gallardo
5.0 out of 5 stars Changed my life
Reviewed in the United States on April 23, 2024
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This is a great book on reflection and it changed my life! It’s worth the read
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Greg
5.0 out of 5 stars This book changed how I think about THINKING.
Reviewed in the United States on July 28, 2017
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I'm a junior in college, well off, and in no sort of life-trouble. I've just never had confidence in myself. I never felt like I was ready to take charge of my life, have never dated, and was always one of the awkward kids who couldn't socialize with new people because my throat would fail to open and my tongue twists on itself every 3 words or so. I was fine with friends and family, most of the time at least (sometimes my parents made me ashamed of myself, despite them doing a single thing or saying a single word. I would simply anxiously think to myself "my parents probably even think I'm weird.")

3 days ago I felt I had hit some sort of rock bottom level of motivation and simultaneously had the highest levels of generalized anxiety I had ever felt. I have always had some degree of anxiety since my teenage years or maybe even earlier, but recently I felt like I was losing control of my mind, losing control of the voice inside my head. Any efforts I made to improve my mental condition were met with self-doubt, I would give up on my efforts, and my confidence would drop even lower. I recognized that I was at a point where I had the potential to spiral into a depression, because my anxiety was beginning to rise at an exponential rate.

I must admit I haven't read a book in years. I'm too lazy, reading is too boring, I don't like being told what to do, etc. All of these types of thoughts were preventing me from ever doing it, but I still passed through classes easily somehow, never improving my work ethic, or feeling proud of accomplishing something like reading a book.

Well, I read this book in 3 days. One day I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep, at approx 6 am. I get up at 11 or later most of the time so this was waaaay to early to get things done. But I couldn't fall back asleep and then my feelings of anxiety as usual just switched back on. Immediately I was just done with that feeling. It was getting worse, after all.

I went on Amazon, searched for "confidence books", found this one, didn't read any reviews but saw it had a good rating, bought it for Kindle, put it on my tablet, and started reading. It was a book that I trusted myself to at least open, and as soon as I did, I read some interesting stuff. I first read about how we are NOT our thoughts, we aren't all the culminations of the demands and actions of a dictator inside our head. Like some sort of mental trap, we have stuck ourselves in cycling lies such as a false understanding of motivation ("I'm waiting until I feel motivated to start running."), a false understanding of confidence ("I'm waiting until I feel confident before I try dating."), and a false understanding of fear ("I need to be fearless when I go up on that stage.")

I'm trying to stop myself from typing too much. I'm just so excited, because something I have never thought I would ever type into some sort of product review is, this has turned my life around. I redefined my understanding of confidence, have practiced the well researched psychologist-backed methods for defusing from your own thoughts to fully focus on what the senses and what is happening in the present, and finally I can see some sort of path towards improving my confidence. I am not saying after reading the book I am immediately super confident and can make myself do whatever I want to to improve my life, I'm saying I now have the tools and enough understanding of the human psyche that I can actually feel some sort of direction in my life.

I fully committed to what the book said. I was always a person who would just skip the details in most tasks. I didn't even read books before. But somehow, before I was reading the book, I had that stroke of anger, about my anxiety, that I felt propelled me into taking action, not this book specifically. But, thanks to specifically this book, I now know how I can CAUSE this to happen, not wait. Because I made an effort while using Russ's methods, and after I recognized that through his writing itself he was actually teaching us the basics of defusing from your thoughts (which blew my mind by the way, thank you Russ), I got totally engaged and focused in the book, and then the book taught me about focus itself, and how all we have to do to be focused and have to peak performance is to defuse and be mindful, and now it's just like everything makes sense. My head is clear. I didn't stop my thoughts, that's not what it's about. It is about truly understand that, once again, we are NOT our thoughts.

Last I will mention, without shame, that I had tried using drugs and alcohol to cope with anxiety over the course of about 2 years. This had definitely contributed to making my anxiety worse. I say without shame because I can now admit that I know it was wrong to use them to try and improve my confidence. It was wrong not because I was using illicit substances but because I had believed it to be the answer, and to believe the answer to improving my mentality and attitude towards myself was anything other than taking actual actions was one of the wrongest wrongs I have ever had commited in my life.

Now I am moving on. I have properly set goals for myself, like "jog 30 mins tonight", not "be the confident attractive beast you always dreamed of being." And if my mind tells me not to do it, and I can clearly tell that not doing it would not help me, then I have the tools to work around the feelings of discomfort and thoughts of "I can't do it.". And I will keep using these tools in other parts of life, parts I have not yet delved into.

I read a book for the first time in 3 years, and now I feel great.
271 people found this helpful
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Robert E Gundling
5.0 out of 5 stars Impactful Book
Reviewed in the United States on February 17, 2024
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A book containing authentic information to become who you want to be. A great book or lifelong learners. Well worth the time and effort to resend reflect upon the ideas offered in this book.
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kim Cooper
5.0 out of 5 stars Very very well written
Reviewed in the United States on April 13, 2023
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This book is very well written and easy to ready. It is written in an interesting and personal style that takes the time to let you feel ok about your thoughts and feelings. Very considerate. The information is clear, helpful and truthfully practical, a step above ordinary self help and spiritual advice.
Very happy I felt prompted to order this book.
I recommend you get this book too.
3 people found this helpful
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Dan Richards
5.0 out of 5 stars Russ Harris will change people's life's
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 1, 2021
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As the title says, russ Harris is clearly an expert in the field of life and mental health and he is going to change peoples life's.

This is the 2nd book read of his, the first being 'the happiness trap', this being about confidence.

The way russ writes, it feels so relevant and every word, you can relate too, he doesn't 'beat around the Bush' as they say, he just delivers brilliant philosophy and techniques, that unravel all the obstacles possibly standing in your way, I have felt myself using some of the techniques in my head, and I've found it's a good way to distract and take yourself away from the voice inside or the doubts that creep up.

i have furoughly enjoyed both books that i have read, it has given me a completely different insight to happiness and confidence, of course your always going to feel sidetracked or pulled back into your original thinking but russ isn't forceful with you, he is calm and simplifies that it's OK to feel what you do and experience your normal daily life/struggles but with the techniques he explains, it's a gateway to a better way of living and understanding of who you are and what you go through.
8 people found this helpful
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Amazon Kunde
5.0 out of 5 stars Das Problem sind nicht deine Gefühle, Gedanken und Emotionen...
Reviewed in Germany on May 17, 2021
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... sondern die Art und Weise wie du mit ihnen umgehen. Hast du schonmal eine Situation erlebt, die dir extrem unangenehm war und dich ein Gefühl extremer Nervosität durchströmt hat? Und da du so nervös warst, hast du dir bestimmt über deine Nervosität Gedanken gemacht und schlussendlich gemerkt, dass du dadurch nur noch nervöser wurdest? Oh je, doppelt nervös! Das muss nicht so sein ... und das Buch zeigt dir wie das geht.

Das Buch hat meiner Meinung nach gegenüber vielen Selbsthilfebüchern einen riesigen Vorteil: es gibt dir eine Schritt für Schritt Anleitung, wie du mit diesen negativen Gedanken, Gefühlen und Emotionen umgehen kannst und das auf einer sehr realistischen, informativen und nachhaltigen Art und Weise. Zudem zeigt es auch auf, warum eben viele Techniken der Selbsthilfe-Branche nicht langfristig genug gedacht sind und nur kurzfristig etwas bewirken.

Aber noch eine kleine Warnung vorweg: Dies ist KEIN Buch, welches man sich einfach nur durchliest und dann weg legt (in der Hoffnung es lösen sich nun alle Probleme). Das macht auch der Autor von Anfang an klar. Wer dieses Buch liest, sollte also auch aktiv mitarbeiten und die Aufgaben erledigen, die der Autor mitgibt. Wer sich aber diesem (auch manchmal schwierigen) Prozess stellt, dem kann ich versichern, dass es der beste Weg ist, ein selbstbestimmtes und erfülltes Leben zu führen.

Viel Erfolg!
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Dayabindu
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book!
Reviewed in Spain on November 26, 2020
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Clear, realistic, practical, very inspiring!
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Gregory Merrick
5.0 out of 5 stars If you do the work, this is a game-changer.
Reviewed in Australia on January 13, 2024
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I found this book at a time I was struggling with self-confidence issues and the relentless unhelpful chatter of my brain. This book is easy to follow with no jargon you have to Google and plenty of real-life, relatable examples. There are many great exercises too!

I can truly say this book has set me on a new path. It’s taught me to see my brain for what it is, an organ that produces endless thoughts. By practicing the exercises I learned to ‘defuse’ and step back to see thoughts for what they are - pictures and words. They’re no-longer driving my behaviour on autopilot.

If this sounds interesting or useful, this book is for you. If your brain is saying this sounds like too much work / I’m fine / it’s probably not for me - this book is for you.
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genius
4.0 out of 5 stars buon acquisto
Reviewed in Italy on November 29, 2017
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questo libro necessita di essere letto e riletto per coglierne tutti i molti suggerimenti, utile ed anche pratico nel suo sviluppo contenutistico
2 people found this helpful
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